Marriage Insight - The Ordinary VS the Extraordinary Marriage

The Ordinary VS the Extraordinary Marriage

From the way we see it, all married couples that enter into marriage have 3 choices before them. (1) We can have a dysfunctional marriage (which we will give you links to below to help you if you find yourself in this place). But for the rest of this Insight we want to focus on our other two choices. (2) We can have an ordinary marriage. Or (3) we can build together an extraordinary marriage.

If we choose number 2 then we’ll settle for what the dictionary calls a marriage “of no special quality or interest; commonplace; unexceptional; plain or undistinguished.” If, on the other hand we work to make our marriage into an extraordinary one, it will “go beyond what is usual, regular, customary, noteworthy, and remarkable.”

Cindy and I started Marriage Missions International 17 years ago with the mission in mind of helping couples to REVEAL AND REFLECT THE HEART OF CHRIST WITHIN MARRIAGE. We believe that is what God wants from all of us so we can indeed have extraordinary marriages. Sadly, most marriages that we see in today’s world fall short of that goal. Couples settle for less than what God would have for them. But at the very least, we can reach for more of what God has for us, and that is our challenge to you.

The Extraordinary Marriage

So, what does it take to take our marriage from ordinary to extraordinary? Our friends Tom and Debi Walter of The Romantic Vineyard give this insight:

“What makes an extraordinary marriage is one where each spouse gives of themselves 100 per cent with a willingness to lay their lives down for the other. Difficult? Oh, yes! Especially during arguments where you KNOW you’re right. Possible? Only by the grace of God at work in both hearts.”

For most couples, dare I say, all couples, this doesn’t come naturally. It certainly hasn’t for me. And Cindy says that it hasn’t come naturally for her either. But it’s something we reach for, and by doing so, we stand amazed at how wonderful marriage can be.

By God’s grace we keep striving to make our marriage extraordinary, rather than just settling for ordinary. It’s something Cindy and I strive to do in marriage partnership together as we look to God to point us in the right direction. And by doing so, we stand amazed at how wonderful marriage can be. If you aren’t there, we pray that for you.

The following is a list that defines an extraordinary marriage. This list comes from Dustin Riechmann from the Engaged Marriage Blog Spot.

This is the Extraordinary Marriage:

• “It’s sacramental, Christ-centered and fully embracing of the Holy Trinity (it IS a Holy Trinity).

• “It serves as a vivid example of God’s love for His people.”

• The extraordinary marriage “takes two people and joins them together with the capacity to do more good than the sum of the individuals.

• “It lets two ordinary people combine their love of one another so powerfully that an entirely new person can be created by God, through them.”

• Additionally, “it’s based on a spirit of trust, open communication and deep mutual respect.

• It includes a lot of problems, difficulties, tough times and hurt feelings. But forgiveness and commitment overcome all obstacles.

• “It doesn’t ‘settle’ for the mediocrity and weakness that our culture says a ‘normal’ marriage should be.

• “An Extraordinary Marriage doesn’t quit.”

If you’re like me you will agree that all of the above are what we want to emulate in marriage. But there always seems to be the, “But I’m not sure I can do this.” I learned over the years that in and of my own strength I couldn’t do these things. Then I learned that it’s okay that “I” can’t do these because when I surrendered my “inabilities” to God He was able to build in me and show me how to do what I needed to in order to be the hero to Cindy. It’s applying the “I can do all things through Christ” principle.

Ordinary People CAN Grow an Extraordinary Marriage

It’s like what pastor Chip Ingram says in his post titled, God’s Looking for Ordinary People to Do Extraordinary Things. He writes:

“The issue isn’t that God’s power isn’t available to us or we aren’t smart enough or good enough. The issue is summed up in this verse:

“‘For the eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His…’ (2 Chronicles 16:9 NASB)

“God is looking to birth and fulfill great dreams in ordinary people who are completely committed to Him. He’s looking for people who believe in Him and believe that He is willing.

“Pursuing God’s great dreams for our lives begins when we have the courage and the faith to say to God, ‘I want to dream a great dream because you’re the kind of God who wants that for me.’

“If you long to be great in God’s eyes and make a spiritual impact in His Kingdom, my hope is that you would believe that God wants to use you!”

And then we must look to God and APPLY what He leads us to do. We won’t try to kid you… you won’t be able to build an extraordinary marriage over night. Cindy and I have been married for nearly forty-six years and we learn something new every day. We haven’t “arrived” in all we can do. But our marriage is already extraordinary, and as we keep applying what God teaches us, it just keeps getting better. We pray that for you.

Looking to God from the Place We Find Ourselves

As we look to God He shows us how we can improve and never settle for something that is “of no special quality or interest; commonplace; unexceptional; plain or undistinguished.”

Instead God shows us how to build a marriage that will “go beyond what is usual, regular, or customary; noteworthy; remarkable.” But let me be clear, this isn’t so we would be glorified but that God would always get the credit. He alone deserves the honor and the glory for what others see in our marriage relationship. Without Him, our human depravity blocks their vision of what is “good.”

Our prayer for you is that you would make that choice today and depend on God because you know that He wants that for you and your marriage as well. We have so many articles and resources available to help you. Below there are a few of them to kick start your efforts.

But First:

For those of you who are in dysfunctional marriages, we encourage you to look around this web site for a starting place to get to a better place within your marriage, and your life. We realize that you can’t build an extraordinary marriage all by yourself. You can’t get it to even a place where you have an “ordinary marriage.” But wherever you find yourself, there may be additional help for you. Here are a few topics (among many): • SAVE MY MARRIAGE. And then there is: • ABUSE IN MARRIAGE.

It may be that you are you may be living with an Unbelieving Spouse. Or perhaps you are dealing with Infidelity, Depression, Mental Health or Physical Health Issues, etc. Please look through the topics we make available for you to read through. Pray, search, read, glean, and see what God says to you that can help you. We pray God ministers to your heart as you lean upon God in this way.

Marriage Insight - Living in the Promised Love of Marriage

Living in the Promised Love of Marriage

In your wedding you made a vow to devotedly “love, honor, and cherish” each other until you are parted by death. Those promises seemed so easy to give at the beginning point of your married life together. Your love was fresh and new. But how do you keep these vows when promised love gets to be difficult and challenging to live out for the rest of your lives?

We know about this difficult challenge first hand. It’s something we faced earlier in our marriage. And it’s something we see many, many couples face at some point in their married lives. It’s also something you (or someone you know) may face too someday. Or perhaps you’re living in this dilemma even now.

So, to address this matter, below are a few things to prayerfully consider.

Living a Life of Promised Love

First, here’s something that C.S. Lewis points out:

“Being ‘in love’ is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also many things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go.

“And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably was never was or ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, and your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love.”

Love Beyond Feelings

“Love in this second sense—love as distinct from ‘being in love’ is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit, reinforced (in Christian marriages) by the grace, which both parents ask, and receive from God.

“They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.” (From the book, Mere Christianity)

So what do you do when the “explosion” of love dissipates, and you no longer feel like you love your spouse? What do you do when promised love seems too difficult to give any longer?

Walk in Love

It’s important to note what Lewis said here: “Ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love.” As a matter of fact, we’re told in Ephesians 5:1-2 to “Be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” We are to ‘walk in love’ in the same way that Jesus Christ loved us—sacrificially.

That is mandated to us much more so within our marriages.

“Our marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and the Church. Christ does not fall out of love with us when we mess up. So why should we fall out of love with each other?” (Joshua Pease)

We most often fall out of love with each other because we can’t see beyond our own feelings. When marriage becomes difficult it takes a toll on how we feel about each other. That’s what happened to us. Our circumstances drove our feelings for each other to the point where we thought we had “lost” our love. But in reality, we hadn’t lost our love, we never had it tested to the degree that God knew we needed. It wasn’t proven. Our love was based on feelings that can fade. It wan’t based on the truth of godly promised love.

We thank God He woke us up to this Truth before we made the mistake of divorcing. We, and so many others, would have missed out on the best to come. (And of course, Marriage Missions wouldn’t be here.) That is why it’s important to note that:

Promised Love Requires More of Us

“There’s a difference between God’s love and the love that the world knows. If we aren’t careful, Christians can begin to adopt the world’s way of loving instead of God’s. The world says love is a feeling. When you stop feeling love for someone, it means you no longer love him or her. The world encourages you to love the lovable but gives you permission to hate your enemies. Jesus said loving those who love you is no great feat. It’s loving your enemies that prove you are a loving person (see: Matthew 5:46).

“Jesus commanded those who wanted to be his disciples to follow HIS standard for loving people rather than the world’s standard. Jesus directs us to love others in the same way he loves us. When Jesus saw us hopelessly enslaved to sin, he didn’t say, ‘I don’t feel like dying on a cross for them. I think I’ll wait until the feeling comes.’ He didn’t say, ‘I’ve tried and tried to love them but they always reject me. I give up!’” 

That’s what we were ready to do—give up. The feelings weren’t there any longer, so we were ready to part ways. It’s a lot like what Dr Gary Chapman wrote:

Promised Love Is Lost

“Couples often come to me in the midst of marriage difficulty, even at the point of separating. When I ask why they are considering such a step, they share their points of contention and conclude with the statement, ‘We just don’t love each other anymore.’ That is supposed to settle it. They say they have simply ‘lost’ their love, and it’s beyond their control. I don’t believe that. I’ll agree that they may have lost their warm romantic feelings, but real love is another matter.

“The Bible makes some strong statements about love within marriage. In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are commanded to love their wives. In Titus 2:4, wives are told that they must learn to love their husbands. Anything that can be commanded, and anything that can be taught and learned, is not beyond our control. 1 Corinthians 13 describes love as ‘being patient and kind, not arrogant or rude. It describes love as refusing to keep a score of wrongs and never holding on to grudges.

“These words are not describing a feeling. Rather, they are talking about the way we think and behave. We can love each other without having the ‘tingles’ for each other. In fact, the fastest way to see our emotions return is to start loving each other by acting in accordance with the above passage from 1 Corinthians 13.” (From The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional)

The Difficulty of Living Out Your Promised Love

We know this is a difficult thing to do. But it’s what God requires of us. Love is both a noun and a verb. It’s a state of being, and it’s something you do. And when you are living in the sanctity of marriage, as a “chord of three strands” with God, promised love is all the more important to keep. But it is important to do so. You made a vow with your spouse to do your part, and you made a vow with God to do your part.

Please pray about this. Ask God to show you what Love is really all about, beyond your understanding of it. When you do, God will partner with you in giving you wisdom, and strength to love beyond the way the world loves. God, whose very name is LOVE will teach you how to love in Truth.

Marriage Insight: Greeting Your Spouse with Warmth and Enthusiasm

Marriage Insight: Greeting Your Spouse with Warmth and Enthusiasm

When your spouse has been away for a while, how enthusiastic is your "hello greeting" to him or her? Does he or she sense that you are glad to be together again? We're hoping your answer is "yes!" Giving each other warm greetings is vitally important in loving and healthy marriages. This point came to mind when we came across the following marriage tip from Becca of The Dating Divas. They refer to greeting husbands, but the same principle applies to greeting wives, as well (so change the pronoun, if applicable): 

“Look Up and Light Up! Basically it means that when you’ve been apart from your spouse and he comes home – STOP what you are doing, look up and 'light up.' Let him see you smile & let him see that you’re glad he’s back. If you can, go greet him at the door and give him a big hug and a kiss. If you can’t, you can still look up and light up with your face. It’s such a small thing, but the way that we look at and welcome home our spouse can have a big effect on how loved they feel and can set a mood and tone for the rest of the evening."

Small gestures can make a big difference in the health of our marriages. Before marriage, you most likely greeted each other in enthusiastic ways; didn’t you? We’re encouraging you to keep up with those warm greetings. Your spouse still needs to feel like he or she is important to you. A wedding certificate didn’t change that need. So this is a friendly reminder to not allow familiarity to sabotage the loving way you greet each other. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Be intentional in greeting your spouse in loving, and even lavish ways that will make both of you smile.  

When he or she enters your home after being gone for a while, show that you care. Show by your words and body language that you’re glad he or she has reentered into your world together. Greet your spouse with even more enthusiasm than you greet other people. That’s the least you can do for “the love of your life.” And here's some additional advice given by Angie Makes: "And if you are the one coming home—find your spouse first. Before your kids, before your dog, and certainly before your phone. Spouse first." Make your greeting a good one!

As Stephen and Alex Kendrick point out, "A good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interaction. Like love, it puts wind in your sails." And it does. They also make another important point: "Your greeting and expressions of love don’t have to be bold and dramatic every time. But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate’s heart in subtle, unspoken ways." So light up your greeting with your spouse whenever it’s possible. Make sure your spouse knows you are enthusiastic to see him or her again after you’ve been apart.

And here’s a bonus tip: When one or both of you are leaving home, give your spouse a meaningful kiss to leave a lasting impression. Marriage expert, Dr. John Gottman gives the following advice to couples, "Don't leave home without a kiss that lasts six seconds." He also says, "A six-second kiss is a kiss with potential. It's a kiss worth coming home to." SO TRUE!

We encourage you to build upon your love for one another. ~ Cindy & Steve Wright