Resilient Marriages

Photo by Danilo Rizzuti, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Wouldn’t you like to have a resilient marriage? The word resilient means to “spring back into shape, to be elastic, and to have the ability to recover after being pressed.” So, after reading that definition, wouldn’t you like to have a resilient marriage —one that can recover from whatever attacks it?

But how do you have a resilient marriage?First off, you work at it. It’s not something that comes easily. It takes determination and commitment maturity and intentionality to make it happen.

The following are a few points that John Thurman made in an article in Marriage Partnership Magazine on building a resilient marriage. We can only give you a portion of what he wrote so if you want to read more you can read in his article,Bounce Back, now posted on the Today’s Christian Woman web site. But for this message, here are some important pointers:

1. Resilient Couples Don’t Fall Prey to Misconceptions About Marriage. One thing that can damage our resilience is the mistaken notion that a good marriage equals a calm and peaceful one. In the 10 years Larry and Sara had been married, five jobs, one miscarriage, five harsh financial seasons, four moves, and two adventure-filled boys had taken their toll. Not to mention the fact that they came from two different family styles: Sara’s parents were divorced. Her dad had cheated on her mom multiple times, and then abandoned the family when she was ten.

Larry, on the other hand, grew up in an intact family —his parents are still together more than 40 years later.

As we talked, Larry nailed one of the great Christian misconceptions about marriage: “We had no idea how difficult marriage would be. If you listen to people at our church talk about their marriages, it would be easy to believe nobody has been through what we’ve experienced.”

It amazes me that in this day when marriage ministries and materials are so prevalent, couples still believe a great relationship will be a peaceful one. They often feel invincible, especially in the early stages of marriage. This can lead them to deny the impact of stress and family history.

2. Resilient Couples Find Help When They Need It. Many couples “go it” alone —trying to deal with their issues without outside help from a trusted source who can offer biblical encouragement, guidance, and support. Those are typically the couples who end up with broken relationships…

3. Resilient Couples Remember Good Things About Their Marriage and Each Other. “He’s a good father to our boys,” Sara mentioned when I asked them to list each other’s qualities. “And he’s patient. He puts up with my quirks.” “I love how loyal and passionate she is,” Larry added. “Sometimes she goes overboard, but I know her heart’s in the right place.”

…Resilient couples choose to focus on the good as opposed to camping out on the bad.

(Philippians 4:8 comes to mind: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable— if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.“)

4. Resilient Couples Accept the Differences in their Personalities, Views, and Ways of Getting Things Done. Sarah entered marriage fearing the painful conflict she’d watched her parents experience, while Larry entered expecting the intimacy and commitment he’s seen his parents enjoy. For several years, they acted out based on the marriage models and communication styles they brought with them.

Sara tended to over-talk everything. Then if she felt Larry didn’t “get it,” she’d become angry. “When I try to talk to Larry,” she told me, “he always seems to run and hide. He’ll either collapse in the recliner and be sucked into the television, or he’ll retreat to the computer room. When he does that I feel like going ballistic, and sometimes do.”

Larry responded, “She has an opinion about everything, and when I don’t engage in the conversation, she gets heated, so I retreat. Then she throws a shoe at me!”

Men and women really do have different needs. For guys, we want to feel competent and needed. We want to feel respected. One friend of mine used to say, “Men are like dogs, they need three things: someone to feed them, play with them, and occasionally say, ‘Good boy.'”

…For women, the key is to help her feel valued and cherished. If she feels her husband can love her the way she is, then she feels more secure. When a man listens to his wife, without trying to fix her, for instance, he’ll be amazed to see how she can engage him physically.

Larry noticed that as he listened intentionally to Sara, she actually talked less. He even began to buy her flowers, knowing how much she appreciated the gesture. “We’re not the same,” Sara mentioned. “And I’m starting to appreciate the fact that that can be a good thing.”

5. Resilient Couples Develop and Maintain an Internal Focus of Control Rather Than an External Focus. I asked Larry and Sara to recount some of the difficult times in their marriage and how they got through. They told me that six months into their marriage, Larry lost his job. It could have been devastating, especially since Sara’s part-time job didn’t bring in enough money to cover the bills.

When many couples would take out their frustrations, fears, and worries on their spouse, Larry and Sara decided to focus on the possibilities.

…Larry [said], “We believe God can and will help us work things out, but it’s tough.” They both took their marriage vows seriously and didn’t want to become another statistic. They hoped to survive this rough time and were committed to the process.

6. Resilient Couples Manage their Emotions. Larry admitted to me that he can be a “control freak” at times. Sara, on the other hand, is a “free spirit.” As the weeks went by, Larry and Sara started to focus on their personal responsibility for their portion of the relationship’s troubles and move forward.

After Sara’s fourth overdrawn check, Larry had had enough. Instead of blowing up or withdrawing from her, which had previously proved unsuccessful, Larry took another approach. He waited for a day or two so he could calm down. Having a measure of control over his emotions, he could talk to her in a calm, rational way and they were able to resolve their money issues.

7. Resilient Couples Reinterpret Past Failures and Use Them as Growing Points Instead of Perennial Negatives. In other words, they look at past mistakes in order to make positive, life-changing applications.

We hope that whatever is a problem in your marriage, you will work together to make your marriage resilient —using past failures as “growing points” instead of as weapons. Please give each other the grace you want from your partner and receive from Christ our Lord!

Cindy and Steve Wright