Turning Problems into Blessing

“Be careful,” the Apostle Paul warns, “that the exercise of your freedom does not become a stumbling block to the weak…Never do anything offensive to anyone“ (1 Corinthians 8:9; 1 Corinthians 10:32).

Those are pretty tough words to live out —especially in marriage because being together in such a close, intimate way brings about a natural environment to offend one another. Think about it —you live together day in and day out and see each other in not only the best of circumstances but also the worst. It’s only natural that you’re going to offend each other at some point (often at MANY points).

In the above-mentioned scripture, we are urged to find ways to work THROUGH our problems with each other and BEYOND them. That’s all a part of being a marital team, which is what we become when we “leave and cleave” (as we’re Biblically told to do) after the wedding.

One of the things Steve and I have learned is that our “problems” become growth opportunities when we allow them to be, when we work together to resolve them for the good of our marriage partnership. As Mike Mason says in the book, The Mystery of Marriage: “Marriage is a natural place to begin to practice daily, the curbing of our own freedoms wherever they prove offensive (or troublesome) to each another.”

He goes on to say, “The point is that each tries to surrender as much as it is possible for the sake of the other so that the love between them may be honored and built up in every way” —which is Biblical.

We’re told in God’s word in Philippians 2:3-4, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” And then we’re told that our “attitude should be the same of Christ Jesus” –which truly was sacrificial in all he surrendered for us.

Whenever you and your spouse have problems, it’s important to make it your mission to find ways to work them out together for the betterment of your marriage —so that we reveal and reflect the heart of Christ in all we do.

When we serve and look for ways to bless each other, we not only please the heart of God, we also disarm the enemy of our faith from using our “problems” to cause further harm. It’s important to recognize that it delights the powers of darkness when we hurt each other and our marriages. And I don’t know about you, but my husband and I would rather entertain and gladden the heart of our God —furthering His Kingdom work, than doing so for the enemy’s, anytime!

Mike Mason goes on to give an example of “curbing freedoms” by saying:

“If Mary really cannot stand the noise of the power saw, then is it John’s place to question her reasonableness or to make slighting comments or to point out that her food mixer makes even more noise? Or is it rather to refrain, in love, from using the saw when Mary is around? That’s all there is to it. It’s a simple question of how much John loves Mary: Does he love her enough to stop annoying her with his saw? Is the fact that his wife’s peace is being disturbed of greater importance to him than the completion of a birdhouse?

“For Mary’s part, naturally, she needs to make every effort to adjust to the noise of the saw, knowing that an innocent pleasure of her husband’s is at stake.”

And then he writes:

“Who wins this battle of wills and whims is NOT the point. The point is that each tries to surrender as much as possible for the sake of the other so that the love between them may be honored and built up —even at the expense of birdhouses and headaches! We need to learn to see that a simple hobby such as carpentry (or indeed, anything under the sun) may actually become an instrument of the devil if it’s allowed to disrupt the harmony between two people.”

“This is the gist of Paul’s advice to the Corinthians, concerning the attitude that a Christian should take toward his ‘weaker brother.’ It is a rule that cannot be applied too vigorously in marriage, for it is often the case that each partner assumes the other to be the weaker one.”

“But if the other really is weaker, argues Paul, then that is all the more reason not to maintain our own rightness, stubbornly and overbearingly, but rather to surrender for the sake of love. Rightness, whenever it seeks to dominate, becomes wrongness, no matter how right it may be. Would we rather be right than happy?”

The term, “right-fighting” comes to mind in the way some spouses approach conflict, where achieving the feeling of being “right” is their main goal. Right-fighting happens when someone is caught up in the emotionality of the fight to the extent of being willing to go to any length, by any means, to prove that he or she is “right” —even if it means that the relationship is damaged, as a result.

Prayerfully consider —are you a “right-fighter” in how you approach disagreements with your spouse? Or are you someone who remembers that you are to “look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (including your spouse) in humility?

Author Mike Mason adds to this point:

“Much has been made of the fact that Paul’s advice to wives is to ‘submit to your husbands,‘ while his advice to the husbands is to ‘love your wives‘ (Ephesians 5:22, 25). Some interpreters have delighted in pointing out that distinction between these two commands and the implications this has for the roles of husband and wife. However, the entire passage is prefaced by the command to ‘submit to one another’ (v. 21), and it is clear from the context that Paul intends these words to be directed first of all to Christians, but then for the married couple.”

“In fact, the point seems to be that the married couple is to set the pattern of mutual love and submission for the whole Christian community. If a man cannot lovingly serve his own wife, after all, or a woman her own husband, whom then can they serve? If they cannot bring happiness to one another, how can they bring happiness to anyone else? Poor Christian marriages, marriages in which willfulness rules in place of sacrifice, make a laughingstock of the whole church.”

So there’s the choice for us. Are we willing to turn problems into blessings —both for the sake of each marital partner and for God’s kingdom work, laying aside our own comfort, as Jesus did? Or do we cling to our own “rights” and comforts as the world says we should do? If we cling to our own rights, ignoring Christ as our example, our marriages will look no different than what the world offers and our marriages become a “laughing stock” to those who watch God’s “followers.”

Let’s face it, who will be attracted to knowing our God better when God’s spirit isn’t manifested any differently in our lives than in a non-believer’s life? But if we work to bridge our problems into blessings, we show ourselves to be Christ Followers and who knows what God can do with that?

We hope you’ll join us in doing what you can to turn problems into blessings in your marriage. It’s an important mission.

Steve and Cindy Wright