Build a Wonderful Marriage

What couple doesn’t want a wonderful marriage? Most people (except for narcissistic people with their own agenda) would say, “Absolutely, sign me up!” But it takes more than wanting something to actually having it. And that’s true with having a wonderful marriage. As authors, Lilo and Gerard Leeds, who wrote the book, Wonderful Marriage say, “You don’t HAVE a great marriage, you BUILD one —brick by brick, and skill by skill.”

So, to help you to build that wonderfully great marriage, we will share with you a few of the “bricks” —the marriage tips that Lilo and Gerard have learned in their 62+ years of marriage. And here is an additional challenge for you, as you read what they have written, think of the biblical principles and scriptures that apply to each tip given. There are plenty of them! Here are a few (edited) quotes from the book:

• To have a great relationship, you have to start with yourself —ideally BEFORE you get married, but it is never too late for improvement. Your life, and all your relationships, will change as you develop the traits that define a person of good character. As our son Greg pointed out, “It is not enough to marry the right partner, you need to work to be the right partner.”

• If you want a relationship to last, you have to focus on what you both have in common, not on what divides you, what you admire in each other, not what you might want to criticize. Notice what you like about your partner, and let your partner know. Encourage each other to become the kind of people you both respect and admire. Bring out the best in each other.

• Go out of your way to notice the small things you each do to help and support one another —and express your thanks. Show your gratitude for even the small gestures; it’s another way of expressing your love. If you both show your appreciation and gratitude for the small acts of kindness, you will find yourselves falling in love over and over again. Happy couples say it is important not only to show your kindness to the world, but also to each other.

• Be generous with your hugs and kisses and touches. Don’t let your loving ways change once you are married.

• Initiate new rituals that belong to just the two of you. Light a candle at dinner, call each other private nicknames, make a cup of coffee and read aloud to each other from your favorite novel or collection of poetry, have breakfast in bed and agree not to talk about chores, conflicts, or problems of any sort for those two hours. Shared rituals connect you and bring you closer.

• Be faithful. Happy couples say they never want to make their partner feel insecure about their love. They never behave in any way to give their loved one reason to doubt their loyalty. If you can’t trust each other to remain faithful, it is very difficult to trust each other about anything else. Being faithful is an attitude as much as an action. Staying faithful is a way of saying, “I love you, and I have made a commitment that I’m going to stick with. I will stay away from any temptation that might come my way.”

It is not enough to be faithful. You have to make sure not to give the appearance that you are anything but faithful. That means you never act like you’re interested in anyone else romantically. And you don’t do anything in public or private that you wouldn’t want your partner to see or know about.

• Use humor lovingly. If you look at the world and your relationship with an eye to the humor that can be found in even difficult situations, you will find it cuts the tension and promotes warm, loving feelings between you. Sharing laughter is a sign that you trust each other enough to let down your guard. Laughter is, indeed, one of the best love medicines for a great marriage.

• Be flexible about each other’s habits and temperament. Everyone has some quirks. One person is bound to be neater than the other or more punctual. One of you may need different amounts of sleep. You may have different priorities about how to spend your free time. Look upon these differences as interesting discoveries. Remove irritants.

Small habits can be changed, especially if both of you remember your aim is to make the other happy. Those habits that cannot be changed can often be worked around. Using separate tubes of toothpaste is far easier than fighting about the caps. Many disagreements are easily solved with the right attitude.

• Don’t do the things that drive your partner crazy. You know what this means. As you get to know each other better, you learn what your partner likes and dislikes, what the “hot buttons” are. All of us have some issues that may or may not be rational, but that drive us up the wall. It may be something your partner says, or the way she acts in a particular situation. Perhaps you know that being late makes your partner see red, or drinking juice straight from the container drives your mate crazy. Don’t push those buttons. [You can read more about this in the article, written by Gary Sinclair, When Those You Love Push Your Buttons, and also an article written by Dr David Hawkins in the article, “Where There’s a Spark, There’s Fire.”]

• The more you can play together in your off hours, the closer you will feel. Having fun together is like an insurance policy in a marriage. It shores up those good feelings you have toward each other to help you get through the hard times.

• Keep things in perspective. While it’s very important to accommodate both of your parents and relatives as much as possible, in the end, your life as a couple comes first. Patterns of interaction that may have been fine when you were single may not be ideal now that you’re a couple. Be generous with your time, but also set limits to protect your relationship.

• Communicate lovingly. Communicating clearly and honestly involves skills that you need to learn and practice. It also requires that you pay attention just as much to what you say with your body as with your words. Body language, facial expressions, and, most important, our attitudes contribute as much to communicating our thoughts and feelings as the sentences we speak.

• Resolve anger quickly. When two mature individuals feel deeply about each other and about issues —there are bound to be differences and disagreements. The solution is not to avoid conflict. It is to resolve it as quickly and calmly as possible. Couples who avoid arguments are more likely to get divorced than couples who are able to confront their differences and resolve them peacefully.

Instead, view anger as a useful warning sign —not that there is trouble in the relationship, but that there is a rough patch that needs attention. It is a sign that somebody’s needs aren’t being met, that we are feeling hurt, or that something is not right. A great marriage provides a safe place for both partners to express and resolve their differences and anger.

Sustaining a relationship is a product of careful thought, a generous spirit, and hard work.

We pray the above tips are helpful. Again, they come from the book, Wonderful Marriage: A Guide to Building a Great Relationship That Will Last a Lifetime, by Lilo and Gerard Leeds, published byBenbella Books. Although this is not a Christian book, it is filled with very helpful material and we would recommend it. We only found two quotes we objected to in the whole book, but the rest of it lines up fine scripturally.

As with ANY resource (including ours), other than the Bible, it’s important to prayerfully read with an objective eye. If it lines up with God’s Biblical principles and the Lord shows you that the advice will be helpful for your marriage, use it. If not, don’t. Not all advice given by humans is good for you to use. Ask God for wisdom and discernment and the Lord will bless.

Cindy and Steve Wright